Love….and loss….and love

I haven’t written a blog entry for quite some time, maybe because my life is for some reason always fucking dramatic. But today is Shaylyn’s birthday and I need to purge some struggles and let people now, even though child loss doesn’t give you a path clear of more pain, you can survive anything that happens after. Even the things you don’t want to, even the things you can’t control. You’ve survived the worst already and you will continue to survive. 

This year I’ve seen many changes, many beginnings, and many endings. I met and fell in love with the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Someone who showed me love can be safe and healing. Someone who understood me. He changed my heart in ways I can’t describe, but I’m still me. I’m still sad even when I’m happy. Stupid shit still happens in my life. It is too much for most people and it ended up being too much for him, which I can’t blame him for, it’s too much for me too. I just happen to live this daily so idk if I’m stronger because of it or if I’m more numb or if I’m just used to heartbreak and drama now. In Feb, after two years of avoiding it, I finally got covid. It was the sinus-y one but still miserable. I have congenitally deformed sinuses, I had just ironically found that out right before I got covid and had a surgery scheduled. I ended up needing meds for my sinuses, but I’d seen people suffer so much more, so many people have died, so I was just thankful that whatever version I got, wasn’t one of those. In the beginning of March I fell at work and literally broke my ass, my tailbone. Fun times. We had a lost, scared little chihuahua at work that morning and I went into the garage to take him out. He had a leash hooked to his collar but I wasn’t holding it. As we walked out, unbeknownst to me or him, my sgt was opening the outside overhead garage door at the exact same, and the pup got spooked. I ran to catch the leash and just like a cartoon, hit a patch of sand and landed directly on my tailbone. Got that damn leash though and the pup was safe, at least. While my ass was healing in March I had to deal with the most stupid drama I have maybe ever encountered. And hardly any people even know this little nugget. When I was pregnant and left my abusive house, I moved back home. My job was still there over an hour away and my blood pressure was out of control. After being admitted overnight multiple times one week for bp monitoring, my doctors decided it was time for bedrest. I went out on medical and as we know in America if you can’t work, people would rather you just die. So the short term disability would pay me some absurd amount per week and I can’t remember the exact number but it was $200 or under a week. Cool I live in an apt and have a house with my name on it that the person still living there just decides not to pay for whenever the mood strikes. I am 8 months pregnant with a medically fragile child, have gestational diabetes and the verge of preeclampsia and I have to eat specific foods at specific times. So desperately and in shambles of shame and guilt and unworthiness I dragged myself to the local welfare office and asked for help. It was the most humiliating and degrading thing I have ever forced myself to do but I had to feed Shaylyn. They make you feel like a piece of shit. They would not give me any other assistance but food stamps. They told me to cash in my 401k and sell my car and then maybe they could help me. I tried to explain this was temporary and I had to be out of work medically and I would be returning to work as soon as I could. I sent them all my medical forms and all my work paystubs and all my rent and utilities and everything. They gave me again I forget the exact number but $128/month sticks in my brain for some reason. I got those benefits July 25th. I used them once and then Shaylyn died. After her funeral I called them and said I don’t need these anymore my daughter died. The woman told me they weren’t for the pregnancy per se but for me and I could use that six months and not reapply. I thanked her but declined. First off I wasn’t eating. I didn’t give one fuck about going grocery shopping. I had no one to keep alive anymore. Six months later I got a renewal and called again and said I want to make sure if I just don’t send this back they’ll just close it and take back whatever is in there. She assured me yes that was the case. She could see my previous call and I could just disregard the renewal paperwork and since I was back to work now I wouldn’t qualify for one anyways. Three years later my cell phone rang at work with some unknown number. Figured scam/spam. I work at a police dept and have for many years. I tell people not to answer unknown numbers all the time so I ignored it. The same number called back 4 times in 5 minutes so I finally answered it. It was a man telling me this was my hearing for food stamp fraud and I fucking laughed and told the dude off. Especially when he said “we sent the paperwork to 20 Beach Drive”. The house I owned with my abusive ex. Excuse the fuck out of me bitch? I haven’t lived there for three years and I never had benefits there so go fuck off. I’m not telling you shit or verifying shit. The guy screamed at me and said we will just take your taxes and I hung up on him. I called up the welfare office and was like hey just so you guys know there’s a scam call going around saying people have fraud cases and the fucking lady was like no you do your hearing was today. She was a very nice lady and she went through everything and was like yes I see your medical stuff from work, your doctor’s paperwork, your 401k info, your calls to cancel and that it hasn’t been used and wasn’t renewed. Idk what this is about but here’s a number for an investigator. That call didn’t go well. Idk when common fucking sense went out the window but this lady, Jennifer, I’ll always remember this bitch, was the coldest fucking person. She basically said you called to see if you could keep using the benefits after your daughter died, and she continuously characterized my calls in that way through this entire process of hell. She did not care that every single piece of paperwork that she was using as “evidence” against me was evidence that I did nothing wrong. I didn’t even fucking use the stupid benefits. Anyways the only options you have are admitting you did something wrong, paying it back and losing access to benefits for a year, or not admitting wrongdoing and still having the exact same penalties as if guilty or having a hearing. And ps yes they did send all of this info to my abusive ex at the house I ran from months before I walked into the doors at the welfare office. I had never used or given them that address and they verified that with me multiple times. Thank the fucking universe I have a lawyer in my family who is a godsend and when my mother was talking to my aunt about it she said Katie needs to call Cara now. So I did. And she fucking helped me. I have angels surrounding me that are always there. And the first thing she said to me after she talked to “the investigator” Jennifer, was these people are fucking insane. My hearing date was rescheduled to March 17th, St Paddy’s, quite appropriate for my Irish girl and I had to testify and be grilled by this fucking man and Jennifer and I was hysterical the entire time being forced to relive my worst nightmare for strangers, to prove my fucking character to ridiculous people concerning my actions surrounding Shaylyn’s death and defending myself against fraud charges. It just reopened some very deep wounds about being forced to do things and protecting Shaylyn. Idk who makes the decisions over there but what a waste of resources. The higher ups sent me a letter a week or so later saying I was found “credible” and didn’t commit fraud. No fucking shit, Sherlock. No fucking apology. No fucking nothing. Just found you credible, fuck off. And that’s only up till March so yeah. Maybe I will get into March to august at some point but that’s still too much for me right now. My life is a lot. It is not for everyone and I will never force anything on anyone else the way things have been forced on me. But I will always be confident in the fact that I know my character, I know who I am, I know my heart. I try my best to do everything with love for Shaylyn in my heart and give grace and patience to hurting hearts. So sometimes you are forced to fight for and defend your character, and sometimes you have to let people go because you love them. No matter what you will survive and love is everywhere and if you continue on the path being laid out for you, love will always win 💜🦋💜